


Capricious Fear

by PageofHopes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, BDSM, Blood, Chucklevoodoos, Horror, M/M, Master/Slave, Mind Control, Older AU, Pale Romance, Red Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-18
Updated: 2012-07-11
Packaged: 2017-11-08 01:32:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/437658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PageofHopes/pseuds/PageofHopes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perhaps your best friend's mind was not the best thing to practice your chucklevoodoos on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Someday You'll Fuck Up

There is no way you would ever EVER use your chucklevoodoos on your best friend.

With you off the slime for good and most of your friends culled, all you really have is each other. Using your fear manipulating powers is not something best friends do, not something you could do to your best bro, especially when Karkat might be concealing some fears of your good motherfucking self, but that’s nothing to be worrying about right? Brother isn’t perfect, and you can be awful scary sometimes. Before you two became moirails, you took down a good two-three trolls who just looked at you funny. But now Karkat is with you, and you shouldn’t have any more of those dark impulses right? Yeah, you and Karkat are close, CLOSE, and you wouldn’t want to do anything that could EVER bring you two apart.

…

There is no way you would ever EVER use your chucklevoodoos on your best friend.

…. At least, not that he would know of.

You know you need to be subtle about this. Wait, why do you have to all and be worrying about being found out? You aren’t even doing anything, just trying to figure out Karkat’s fears. For his own good. If you know his fears, you can work on not being as motherfucking scary. And finding out how to sense fears would be a useful skill. You could learn how to function better in society, and if you function better in society, then you won’t get motherfucking culled. But other trolls won’t be happy if you are getting your look on into their mind, so you gotta learn to be subtle.

You decide to wait until Karkat gets his z’s on. After all, your voodoos are stronger when a motherfucker is sleeping, and you should be at the top of your game. It also means that any funny business Karkat might suspect can be easily explained by having dreams. But that thought never even crosses your mind.

When you first start trying to get into Karkat’s mind, you don’t like how it feels. Your voodoos feel like a tentacle, wiggling through each little crevice and curve of Karkat’s soft mind. The brain is a fragile little thing you find, and responds to the slightest touch of your psychic power. You are only here to find out Karkat’s fears, not fuck him up, and definitely not be noticed. So you try again and try and shape your voodoos to be a motherfucking flybeast. You find you can take that form quite easily, but now getting in is the trouble, since you can’t just wiggle your way in.

You sit at the edge of Karkat’s mind for a few seconds before you feel yourself being carried into the mind by a small worry- about how you’re doing, actually. How motherfucking cute. The brain doesn’t react; it’s as if you are part of the thought itself. As you cling to the circling worry, you watch other worries swirl round and round around Karkat’s mind, and find yourself getting dizzy trying to follow them. As you keep looking, you see Karkat’s actual fears- parasites of the mind; they grow on the brain like a fungus. The worries seem to be orbiting around certain fears like spores, no doubt because the worries spawned from them. The fears themselves look like dark patches and globs- hyou think you even see one or two bubble. 

There are so many motherfucking worries and fears it is a wonder your best friend survives day to day. He fears his blood will get discovered, he fears he isn’t doing a good enough with you, he fears you’ll get culled someday, that he’ll get culled, that he’s a big failure in every way, that someday you’ll fuck up and go back on the slime, or worse, go back to rampaging murderously and put everyone else in danger, and then a little about being scared that when you snap you’ll kill him. There are others like being scared that his friends hated him for not protecting them, that their deaths are his fault, that he’ll lose everything he’s trying to protect now. It just breaks your motherfucking heart. You want to do something but you are here to observe and nothing more, and you are new, you could so easily mess up. No, you won’t be messing with your best friends mind.

…

…You really don’t know what came over you.

Weren’t you not gonna mess with your best bros fears? But you were trying to help him! The fears were so dark and prevalent across Karkat’s mind, and the fears were absurd! Karkat should not be motherfucking doubting his efforts with you. He’s the best friend a brother could ever motherfucking ask for. And it should’ve been all easy to just get rid of the fear. You found Karkat’s fear of not doing good enough and clung to it, trying to become an eraser. Hey, if you could take the form of a flybeast, why not a simple motherfucking object? And erasing it was the simplest way to get rid of it. You might have hurt Karkat’s precious mind if you tried anything too complicated. But as you tried to erase it, it only seemed to smudge the fear across Karkat’s mind more. The fear wasn't even gone a little bit; it just became more and more embedded into his psyche. You fled out of his mind, terrified of your own power and lack of control.  
You aren’t going to mess with Karkat’s think pan any more.

Every night you and Karkat talk. He yells at you about how annoying you are, how he can't imagine why he's your best friend, tells you to do something productive with your life, blah blah blah. He's lucky you can see past his guise and notice the smaller things, like how he always asks how you are and if everything's ok, and worries about you being safe. Even if all those are between insults and rants. Tonight is different. Tonight there is little ranting and insulting. He constantly asks if you are ok, if you are calm, and tries to start rants. The rants feel so tense and forced, like he's trying to keep a mask on, a costume up. You try and comfort him the best you motherfucking can, but you cannot bring yourself to admit what you did last night. He would do a motherfucking flip, and it wouldn’t help his fears at all. He’d probably just blame himself and fear he was doing something wrong. No, you’ll keep the one time you decided to mess with his think pan a complete secret, and make sure it stays one time.

By the end of the night, Karkat has completely broken down, and you'd swear he's crying on the other end of the computer. There are no insults or ranting, just worry and care. You have not seen his mask break since Sollux was taken away to undergo the training required by the helmsman before they are put in the ship for life. Nothing new has happened today, and yet you have not felt so close to Karkat’s soft side in so long. You have to remind yourself that it was your fault. You made him like this. You changed him.

You will not do it again.


	2. For Karkat's Good

You’ve been two weeks without incident.

Karkat no longer shows any difference in personality; his mask melded to his face. You are sure you are supposed to be relieved. There is nothing to explain and nothing that stayed in the long term. And maybe you are a bit motherfucking relieved, but you do miss Karkat’s soft side and the way he showed how much he cared about you. It strikes you at this point that you should also feel bad, feel motherfucking sorry for what you did. You shouldn’t want to change your best bro; at least not without his consent. This is where you start getting your concern on.

You don’t feel bad for it.

You are not sorry.

And for some reason, you can’t seem to see this as a bad thing.

After all, you didn’t do any permanent damage, you didn’t permanently change him. You also made sure to take good care of him. And it’s good that Karkat gets to all see his motherfucking soft side, you can’t be denying that shit. Surely pretending to not care about someone, pretending to hate them even, isn't all healthy. It’s not for your good, it’s for Karkat’s good. Best friends gotta look out for each other, even if the other friend might not always like it or know about it. And besides, you liked it, and he wants to make you motherfucking happy. You just helped him along; doing something he couldn’t do himself. He just needed a small push. You didn’t do anything bad.

…So what’s the point of not motherfucking using your chucklevoodoos?

As long as it isn’t permanent, you aren’t doing anything wrong. It wears off; you aren’t even actually changing Karkat. More like … showing him a different side of himself. Besides, you could always use more practice. Who knows when you might need to use them some other time? It may be the difference between life and death, and you can’t have your brother dying on you, or you dying on your best friend. All you have is each other.

What you decide to do is so motherfucking brilliant you almost pat yourself on the back.

Once you use a bit of your voodoos, you’ll wait two or so weeks until the changes completely vanish before using it again. You can be patient after all. Wouldn’t want to risk anything bad coming out of this. You are such a motherfucking genius. And why not test a new fear out each time? Or maybe even try implanting a new fear. Oh no, that’s too risky. That might actually stay in Karkat’s brain. You don’t know too much about your awesome abilities yet, so you gotta play it all safe. Karkat would be all motherfucking proud of you, being all responsible and shit. A far cry from the days you inhaled all that poison.

You decide that night to darken Karkat’s fear that you’ll go back on the slime. Seems like a pretty sound choice. You don’t want to make any fear that would make his life even worse darkerThat’s not being motherfucking responsible. No, the fears you manipulate will always apply to you, never to him, and will always be working towards getting Karkat’s costume off. You also try and smudge a little less than what you did before. One quick smear will do it. As you float around in Karkat’s mind a little bit after, you notice a few other fears you must have missed last time. All the little workings in his mind fascinate you, you can see the sparks of thoughts jumping across the mind, the little bubbles of fear oozing. You could stay in Karkat’s mind for hours. But no, you let your best friend sleep.

The next two weeks aren’t nearly as fun as the two weeks preceding it was. Sure, it’s kinda motherfucking funny and interesting to see Karkat constantly riding your ass about something you’d never ever do again, but you don’t feel closer to Karkat like you did before. Yea, he never really asked before, but you assumed he trusted you never to do it again and understood that you would never ever try it again. You make a mental note to try and pick a fear next time that will bring you closer to Karkat, rather than just be a bit entertaining. Your best friend is already plenty entertaining without you adding to it. Karkat never seems to notice anything is a bit off- his constant checks on your spoor inhaling fit seamlessly into his usual rants. Not that he should notice any changes, because he’s not really that much motherfucking different anyways.

The next fear you smudge is the fear of losing everything he cares about. It seems similar to the original fear you manipulated, so you have confidence that this fear will get you the reaction you want. And that Karkat needs. Just a small smear, and maybe pop one of the bubbles so it splatters. Nothing more. What you predicted also came true! The fear was incredibly potent- Karkat even WILLINGLY let go of his façade, you never had to break it, and for 2 and a half weeks you got to see the talk to the true Karkat everyday. The kind, caring troll who is all worried for his friends. Apparently losing everything carries a lot more weight than the fear of Karkat losing you. It would, of course. The universe doesn’t revolve around you, and Karkat has plenty of other things in his life that are important to him. This fact should not have been a surprise, it is motherfucking obvious.

After that fear, the next takes 3 weeks to dissapate. Then it takes 4 weeks. Then 6 weeks. Then 2 months. While different fears were more potent than others, the fact that it takes so long now for Karkat’s mind to all repair itself starts to disturb you. If you aren’t careful, you might even actually motherfucking change Karkat.

Once again, you find that you can no longer see this as a bad thing. 

The last fear you manipulated was the fear that you didn’t need Karkat, and it made Karkat want to do things for you. His costume, the mask was decimated, and he was so much more caring and generous. Those things existed inside him before sure, but you let them out, and had him show it. You even seemed to make it stronger. Maybe Karkat needs a few little changes here and there to bring out all his hidden potential. Seeing Karkat want to do everything in his power to help you was the best thing ever. Maybe one or two fears could stand to be smudged a bit motherfucking permanently. A little change never hurt anyone. After all, you are a lot better off now that you’ve quit the slime. Change is good. Change is VERY motherfucking good.

You are actually not all sure of how to make any fear all permanent though. You also gotta be picky with what fear you choose to make permanent. After all, it’s motherfucking permanent! You can’t be messing too much with that shit. Maybe if you just push the fear into Karkat’s mind a little bit each night, until it seems like it’s good and embedded. After all, it takes months now for a fear to be completely assimilated, if you continue to work with it, maybe it’ll learn to just stay put and meld into his mind.

You know exactly what two fears you want to stay put- the fear of losing everything he cares about and the fear that he isn’t doing good enough. You don’t see a reason to not deepen both at the same time. It makes things motherfucking quicker, and you would like to see how it changes Karkat when both those fears are first pushed down. That way, if anything bad happens, then you can easily just let his mind be fixed and choose one fear, or possibly do one at a time. You will not let Karkat become worse from this; you would feel all too horrible. You know what you are doing by now, you can handle this.

Turns out the fears mix together rather motherfucking well. All the qualities of Karkat that you love seem to spill out. He not only wants to and works to make sure you motherfucking need him- becoming more coddling and protective, kinda like the lusus you never motherfucking had, but also works to try and improve his self for you. You are helping Karkat, you are being the best moirail. After all, isn’t that what moirails do, work to make each other the best they can be? And after sinking the fears every few days for a few motherfucking weeks, you find that you don’t have to touch them up as often or as much. You think that is the brain accepting the fears as the way it should be. Usually changing someone is so difficult too, like how hard it was to get you not only off the slime, but to calm you down from your inner nature. But Karkat succeeded in taming your darker nature, and teaching you how to control it. You don’t want Karkat to have to deal with all that crap with changing, especially now that it’s so motherfucking easy. Just takes a bit of creativity and a little voodoo.

For the next month or so you revel in the new and improved Karkat. You think Karkat seems motherfucking happier too- he even sends little smiles to you with the cutest nubby horns. After all, a little fear helps you appreciate the smaller motherfucking things. Karkat always had trouble with the motherfucking details (except with romcoms, in which he could remember every single little detail) and tended to focus on the bad details and not see all the good ones. Just another problem you helped to fix.

Yet through all this you can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right, that this just isn’t motherfucking enough. You can’t figure it out; Karkat seems much motherfucking better, and you don’t really know how you could improve him. You’ve also already done a fair bit and you see no need to push it any motherfucking farther. Besides, this is the best you’ve ever felt. No, there will be no more messing with Karkat. What fear would be worth increasing anyway or making permanent anyway?

It was that night that you snuck into Karkat’s dreams once more. The entire month had been amazing but Karkat didn’t need you. He wanted you to need him, he made you get motherfucking attached to him but Karkat had no need. Perhaps it was due to having other motherfucking friends, or perhaps when you made the other fears permanent the need was replaced. There was want for sure, Karkat wasn’t suffering when he was with you and wanted to talk to you- even talked about wanting to come visit sometime, but there was never any need.

There was a fear you never found in Karkat’s mind- the fear of being completely and utterly motherfucking alone. He knew he had people there for him, he knew you were there; there was no need for that particular fear. If Karkat was going to need you, he’d have to fear that he was alone, that you being there was his only hope, since the others are so far away. So you planted that seed, that particular fear in Karkat’s mind. It wouldn’t appear at first, and it would slowly grow until it would take over Karkat’s mind. How long that would take, you didn’t know, and you didn’t care.

Oh god. What did you motherfucking do? You said you wouldn’t do that, you said you wouldn’t play with your bro’s fears like that. There was no motherfucking point, this won’t help Karkat, oh god, who knows what that might motherfucking do to him, and it’s not gonna just disappear it’s gonna motherfucking grow and you can’t erase fears and oh god Karkat is gonna hate you, karkat is gonna motherfucking hate you and you are the worst best friend the worst oh fuck oh god.

You try and continue like nothing motherfucking happened. In fact, it seems at first that nothing even motherfucking changes- he’s still the happy palebro who works to make everything better. It takes a good motherfucking while to start seeing some motherfucking changes, and by then you have almost convinced yourself that you never motherfucking changed anything else. You look for ways to motherfucking stop the seed from growing but you are too motherfucking scared to truly try motherfucking anything that might work. The seed soon starts to grow branches which curl around Karkat’s mind little by little, fitting into the crevices of his mind. Then your fear turns to anger, and you begin to fuck up the fears of other trolls. One in particular seems to know what the fuck you are up to, and comes to motherfucking put you out of your misery.

Nothing you can’t handle.

But you almost don’t want to stop it.

I mean, you deserve it don’t you? You’ve been the worst friend a motherfucker could possibly-

Wait, is that Karkat?

Holy fuck.

HOLY FUCK.

You’ve never seen Karkat that desperate, that motherfucking angry. He's practically snarling.

The other troll never even saw it motherfucking coming. Karkat pulls the sickle out of the other troll and puts it back in his modus.

It was drastic. It wasn’t logical. It was a gut reaction, a bestial instinct.

The anger drops into outright desperation. He comes over and hugs you tightly. “You can’t die, I need you”

Well fuck.

You know…

Maybe this isn’t so motherfucking bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! Rationalizations are the most fun things to write I tell you. They fascinate me, how something so bad can end up sounding like a good thing with just a few connections.


	3. Intermission: Karkat: What have you been dreaming about?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If chucklevoodoos are manipulating fears through dreams, what was Karkat dreaming about all this time?

You usually don’t dream. Or, more accurately, you usually don’t remember your dreams. You are sure your dreams are filled with twisted monstrosities like every troll’s dreams are, but you are used to them and it is nothing if not normal.

But you have started to remember your dreams more lately. They haven’t been normal dreams; they have been much more potent. You aren’t sure what this is about, or if sometimes trolls just have more potent dreams, but they have all centered around 1 thing. 

Gamzee.

Maybe you’ve dreamed of him before and it never stuck in your mind, or maybe you’ve just never had dreams that scare you this much. Whatever the case, it is a trend that is impossible to ignore, and just as impossible to keep out of your head.

The first dreams happened in the middle of your sleep. The first thing you remember is the blood. All colors. Scattered everywhere. Some in words, some painting the walls, some leaking out of bodies. It oozed and dripped- still fresh, no doubt coming from the bodies all around you. Your friends and random trolls. Mutilated horribly. Heads ripped off, organs yanked out, scratches across their entire bodies. Scratches that spelled ‘honk’ and made out clown faces. Eyes gouged out, or stained with blood. Nerves sticking out. Teeth missing and scattered everywhere. Some bodies chained to the walls, clothing removed. Every single head locked in an expression of torture. You choked, unable to handle the stench, the sight, the death that surrounded you. Yet in the center was Gamzee, covered in blood, holding a head close, reveling in the gore, the violence. You forced yourself back up and rushed to him, paping and shooshing him once or twice before he threw you off, calling you a mutant and storming off, staining your clothes with blood. You ran for him, calling his name, telling him to listen, that you could work this out before you tripped and fell face first into the death surrounding you. The death that went on forever as far as you could tell. Finally he faced you, looking down on you with hatred in his eyes, and spat:  


“You motherfucking failed.”

“You weren’t motherfucking good enough.”

“You don’t give a shit about me, you don’t motherfucking care, you don’t even motherfucking try.”

And more. Every time you tried to get up he kicked you back down until you were completely covered in the gore. His final masterpiece, he said. He laughed at you, how pathetic you were, how NOW you cared, now that your life was in danger.

You weren’t good enough. You weren’t showing him that you cared.

You woke still clutching at what you thought was your best friend, but it was only the slime.

You had to make sure you are good enough. You had to show him you care. And you made sure to.

It was two weeks before you had another dream you remember.

This time the room wasn’t covered in blood. It was covered in slime. Ankle deep. It looked so cozy you almost curled up in it before you saw him. Gamzee. Shoveling it into his mouth, like the idiot always used to. You tried to run to him but the slime seemed to rise the closer you got to Gamzee, until it was neck deep, then touching your lips. You struggled through the slime, spitting out any that happened to get into your mouth, crying his name before he reached out and shooshed you.

“It’s ok best friend. There’s nothing to motherfucking worry about. I’ve been doing it for a long time, and you haven’t even noticed a difference.”

Was…was he that good at faking? Did he hide his actions behind his new quirk? Could you have not noticed? You were so sure you would notice; that it would be obvious, that you knew him well enough to tell if he ever started. But he fooled you. Or maybe you’re just an idiot. Maybe you just weren’t attentive enough.

You tried to keep his hand away from his mouth but he only dived into the slime and continued. There was nothing you can do to stop him. As he came back for air you grabbed at him, begging his forgiveness, begging him to stop, _please_. If you had only noticed before, if you only had been attentive enough, maybe you could’ve stopped all this. God, you hated your past self. How could he be so stupid? How could he let this happen?

The last thing you remember is Gamzee shoving you, your face into the slime and laughing ‘Go on best friend, you’ll motherfucking love it.”

You woke up and scrambled out of the slime. You didn’t sleep for a good 2 days after that.

There were more dreams. Spread out, thin, but always more. Dreams of death, dreams of murder, of loss and failure. Of being a failure, of letting Gamzee and everyone down. They always stuck in your mind and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t shake them. You had no idea where these dreams came from; you just wanted them to stop. Many of them were irrational but you never cared. What if one of them, or all of them showed you a different future? A future that if you made enough mistakes that they would happen? How could you tell? You had to do something, there had to be a reason for these dreams.

It dawned on you one day that you may have heard something about indigoblood’s being able to manipulate fears through dreams. You wondered if maybe Gamzee was doing this to you, but that didn’t make sense. Why would he want to mess with your fears? You also wondered if maybe another indigo was trying to sabotage your relationship with Gamzee. You knew there was one or two around here.

That night you dreamed of Gamzee again. He was alone, standing in an empty room with his back to you. You ran up to him to ask about if he was manipulating your fears and he turned around, grabbed you and threw you to the ground, laughing, putting his foot on you to keep you down and you tried to struggle back to your feet.

“Yea, I have been, it’s motherfucking fun. I have no other use for a freak like you; you are nothing but a toy now. I don’t think I ever needed you, and I certainly don’t need you motherfucking now.”

He laughed again and walked away. You tried to run up to him but he somehow knew how to manipulate the dreamspace. He trapped you in a cage without looking at you and stood right outside it, not even bothering to look at you.

“Go on best friend, try and reach me. It won’t do any motherfucking good. It’s not like I need you, you could stay in there forever for all I care. I don’t want to see your ugly face again.”

Then he just left. For the remainder of the dream you pounded at the bars, screaming Gamzee’s name to no avail. He never came back, he truly didn’t care, and didn’t need you. Didn’t want you. You woke up screeching his name.

Gamzee was using his fear powers on you. You were sure of this, even if the answer was only in a dream. It was because he didn’t need or want you anymore. You had to do something to make it up to him, to balance the moirallegiance out again. Otherwise all you’d be was his toy, and you can’t stand the thought of that, or he would do the same thing in a dream, lock you away, leave you alone to rot and die with no one knowing you were gone..

After 2 months you thought you preserved the moirallegiance. Gamzee seemed happier and truly caring about you. You didn’t have any more of those types of dreams in those 2 months, so you took that as a good sign. Maybe those dreams would stop for good.

That night and many nights following it you had the same dream. It was always weird, like a mash of two different dreams. The very first one of these dreams you remembered and the last one you remembered, to be exact. There was always the blood and gore everywhere, the bodies mutilated worse and worse each night, until they weren’t even recognizable as troll anymore. You were always stuck in the cage Gamzee had put you in last dream, where blood covered the bars and all your friend’s corpses were put in there to taunt you. He left them recognizable just for you. Gamzee seemed to almost have two different personalities. One of arrogance and mirth who laughed and taunted you, saying he didn’t need or want you and another personality of rage and hurt who blamed you for failing him, who forced him to become like this. And no matter what, the result was the same. The only thing the two personalities could agree on was that they didn’t care for you anymore. So they killed you. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. You found out the hard way that most of the wounds on the bodies were made before they died. You always wake up right when you die, no matter how slow. 

By the time you’ve had the same dream five or six times it is locked in your mind. It permeates in everything you do, everything you say. You are thankful for every kind word, every diamond Gamzee sends you, every bit of care he lathers on you and every thanks from him and appreciation for your care. You constantly seek ways to make sure the dream will never come to pass, and you think Gamzee notices and likes it. You can be happy that maybe, just maybe, the dream will never come true.

Then one day you start having another dream. And every day it’s the same dream that gets longer and longer and longer. There is never much to the dream, but it is worse than any of the previous dreams. You are always fully aware, but there is nothing to be aware of. You are completely alone in an endless dark void. You call out for someone, you try moving around, but there is always nothing and you are always alone. At first the dream was short, and you didn’t stay in the void long. But every day the dream grew longer and longer, until it felt like you were alone for hours. You were alone. You are alone.

And it always ended the exact same way.

Gamzee would appear and pull you out of the void and back into reality, smiling his big dopey smile and hugging you, shooshing you, papping you and calming you down. Gamzee was always the one there. Gamzee was all that was left. Gamzee was the only thing left. Without him, you would be stuck in the void forever. You would be alone without him, completely and utterly alone.

You need him. You need Gamzee.

One night you can’t take being away from him and only talking to him on Trollian anymore. You body and mind ache for him, ache for his relief to the darkness of your mind and fear. But when you reached his hive something was wrong. There was another troll there. In anyone’s eyes it looked like it was going to be a fight. Gamzee had his clubs out and was in a fighting stance, the other troll had their weapons and was in a similar stance. But you could tell something was off about Gamzee. He wasn’t going to fight. He was going to let himself die.

No.

_NO._

You have never felt such anger for any troll. It boiled over and lit an inferno inside you, taking control of your mind, your body, snarling and hissing and raging and hating.

When you next looked, your sickle was through the troll. That was easy enough. 

Gamzee couldn’t die, you needed him.

You went over and hugged him, telling him this.

You need him. You need Gamzee.


	4. That's Totally What Palebros Do

You hold Karkat tightly in your arms for a very long time. You aren’t sure what to do; you aren’t even really sure how to feel about this. Something in your thinkpan screams foul. This is wrong; this is bad, that this is the very motherfucking thing you decided to die over. You shouldn’t be enjoying this. You should not be enjoying the uneasy hands clutching you, shaking, trying so hard to keep a tight hold. You should not be enjoying his soft, wobbly pleas. You definitely should not be enjoying the complete and utter control you know you have over him.

But you do enjoy it.

More than that, you motherfucking LOVE it.

Besides, Karkat needs you. You can’t leave your best friend all hanging like that. That’s motherfucking rude. That’s not something a best friend or a palebro would do.  
You aren’t sure if he is ever going to let go. You aren’t sure you want him to. This moment could last forever and you would be happy. This is all you want. This is everything you want.

But...no it’s really not.

You want MORE.

If the moment lasted forever, you’d get bored. There’s so much potential here, so much more to motherfucking explore. You aren’t gonna hold yourself back anymore. But first, first you have to take a step back and address this moment, no matter how much you want to stay in the now. Gotta control yourself here, otherwise everything will fuck up.

You manage to motherfucking push away just a bit and Karkat looks up at you hurriedly. Curiosity and worry instantly strikes his face. His hands brush up against you lightly, as if he may grab back onto you. You smile, and brush a strand of hair from his face, saying:

“Maybe you should sleep here today brother.”

His eyes widen and he nods enthusiastically, grabbing onto you tightly, without a hint of shaking. Heh, you should probably find a way to cut back on some of the foliage, the fear branched in Karkat’s mind. If he's this motherfucking clingy now, who knows how far it could go. He might even need you to completely take care of him. Not that taking care and full control of him sounds horrible. You’d be the best motherfucking caretaker to your best motherfucking friend, but you think there should be a limit to the amount of influence you have over Karkat. You gotta leave some of Karkat there, don't you?

But, it might be worth trying- just once, to see. Yeah, you gotta up and motherfucking learn to control that seed. And learn all of your powers. And learn how to take good care of Karkat. And balance the control you have over him. As long as some of Karkat is left, it should be motherfucking ok! Just gotta get schoolfed on all the voodoo you can and did motherfucking do. Besides, it’s not like you can even get rid of the seed, you tried! You might as well enjoy it. Karkat enjoys it too! You look down; even with his head buried into your chest you can see a small smile. Isn't that a motherfucking miracle there? You can only recall one other time Karkat smiled.

...It was when you two first became moirails officially. Are you still moirails? What a stupid question, of course you are, nothing is threatening your pale relationship. There is still balance, there is still pity, and there is definitely still room for improvement and calming down. In fact, there is a lot more motherfucking pity for your best bro right now than at the start. Yes, this relationship is still pale as fuck.

You nudge Karkat enough to un-bury his face, but his hands seem to have assimilated with your shirt. Ah well.

“Brother, it has been a motherfucking intense night. Why don't we get you out of those uncomfortable clothes? Surely you don't want to be all sleeping in that shirt and jeans, do you?” Karkat’s head snaps up when he gets his realization on of what you just asked.

“Oh fuck no. I'm not going to take off all my clothes while you sit there and act as some god damn voyeur. If I am going to be in the same shitty coon as you- what the actual fuck is that coon, could we even fit in there? I am not going to have only one or two small pieces of fabric be the only thing between us. Nope. Wrong trollian handle, no way, I don't want to, please don't make me. I know you want to examine every inch of my amazing body- probably to learn how to have one as astonishing as mine so you can blind all the ‘ugly’ trolls, but that’s not how you’re going to learn, no fucking way. Besides, we can stay here longer. It's not time to sleep yet. Not even close. No. Fucking. Way. In fact, it may never be time to get in your coon. Also, you wouldn't like my body anyway. Even more reason not to go to sleep. Just stay with me here. ”

You can't help but chuckle. Such a fuss, especially when he's the one who won't let go, who desperately wants to be with you. Does he really not want to go to sleep that badly? Or does he just not want to let go ever? You grab his wrists and attempt to get his hands off, but he fusses even more, refuses to let go, and grasps even tighter, all while continuing his refusal to go to sleep. Tugging more roughly, you manage to pry Karkat’s fingers from you.

“C'mon now brother, use that logic I know you all motherfucking up and have. Your clothes are gonna get all dirty and then you’ll never stop complaining about how slimy they are tomorrow.” you chide.

“Fuck off!”

Smirking, you back away from him- testing a theory. Sure enough, Karkat's eyes widen at your retreat, and the sudden realization of what he said. He reaches towards you, anxiousness betrayed by the slight quiver of his digits. And shoot, if that doesn’t make you just up and pity him all the more; motherfucking miracles.

“Ok, that's not what I meant alright?” Karkat rambles, running his hands agitatedly through his hair. “Stay. Please. I can sleep in my clothes. It's fine, don’t worry about me. I won't complain about it tomorrow, cross my vascular pump and- ah fuck it; I promise I won’t complain okay? No nay’s, only yay’s. Besides, shouldn't you be used to my shitty complaints by now? I bet you practically get off on them at this point.”

“Well then, you can either walk to your hive tomorrow covered in slime, or you can walk to your hive in my clothes, complete with my motherfucking spotted pants. I know a brother loves him some spotted pants. I might even get some pictures, because won't that be a motherfucking sight? And if you insist on not sleeping, you can bet this motherfucker won’t be either.”

Karkat growls, teeth grinding almost audibly as he tries to think of an argument to your point before he looks down, scowls, and mutters “Fine.” Scrabbling out of his shirt, a delicate gray chest is revealed- one you can't help but stare at. Have you ever seen a shirtless troll before? You don't think so. There's a lot of little details that you can trace, things you never noticed on your own body- but before you can really start drinking in the miracles Karkat pushes you 180 degrees. Or tries to at least.

“Why the fuck are you staring at me? Just- just stop, I know it's a hypnotizing chest, and I know my body practically brings all trolls to the lawnring, but just stop. It's creepy. Why are you such a creepy shitstain? You’re lucky I find your awful personality endearing. Why would you want to stare so much anyway? There isn't anything to stare at that you probably haven't seen on your own body or someone else's. So really. Stop staring, it’s freaking me out.”

You laugh but oblige and turn around; walls need attention too you suppose.

When you’re finally allowed to turn back around, you can't help but notice how frail and vulnerable he looks without his clothes. Someone who needs protection, shelter from the world outside. Brother’s lucky he has you. That's totally what palebros do, they protect each other.

Scanning the room, your attention is caught by the corpse on the floor; honestly you’re not sure how you forgot about it. Following your gaze, Karkat freezes- all splintering ice before gagging. Through his distress you discern the words 'Get it out of here please!' And what was the use of a pale brother if not for easing troubles.

You drag it outside, leaving a nice purple streak across the floor, chucking it onto the sandy beach. You'll figure out what to do with it tomorrow. You'd rather not think about the corpse and, more precisely, why this motherfucker’s a corpse and you are not. The only thing that matters now is Karkat, he wants you here; needs you here.

Karkat is already inside the coon when you get back inside- covered neck to toe in iridescent slime. Is he really that shy? It's kind of motherfucking cute. You strip down to your boxers (Karkat refuses to look) and get inside the coon with him. He’s right- there isn't much room. It doesn't seem to matter to him anymore either, because he grabs hold of you once more, shaking down to his very bones.

“I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want any more of the dreams.” He says, pleading and quiet.

You shoosh him, telling him that they’re only dreams and that you are right here, that he isn't alone now, no reason to fret. His body relaxes slightly but his face twists into the strangest expression. Determined and forceful, yet laced with fear and desperation.

“Just…no more dreams- no more dreams, please. I know you can stop them, I know you can. You have those freakish powers don't you? I've been good enough right? I mean, I know I yell and insult you a lot but you always seem to laugh and be ok with it. Please, just make them stop.”

How did he know you were causing it? You guess you underestimated your best friend. You run your hand through his hair and say you aren't giving him any dreams but you'll try and keep the ones he is having away. He looks at you suspiciously but finally relaxes and goes to sleep, sinking into both yours and the slimes embrace. Almost immediately after though, he curls in on himself and starts to tremble. You think you can see his lips mouthing 'Gamzee' and maybe 'Where are you?' Ok, you should definitely help your best bro motherfucking out here. But first…maybe just watch Karkat sleep a bit? It's almost entrancing the way he shifts and shakes.

After a bit you pry your focus away from Karkat's body and focus on his mind. You watch the branches grown from that tiny seed slowly curl and snake around Karkat's mind even more. Maybe you could just sort of... cut it? You try sawing away one of the branches and it comes off easily. Karkat struggles ease just a bit and his breathing becomes less frantic. Well shit, if you could cut the branch, maybe you could just up and cut other fears out too, or maybe, just maybe..

You could cut the seed completely out. Once you ripped out the seed, the branches would surely shrivel and die.

You could put an end to Karkat's nightmares, you could make sure you never crossed the line, you could let this never happen again.

 

That line of thought came to an abrupt end. You put that seed in there on purpose. You didn't want it taken out, and you didn't even want it controlled. You wanted it to consume his mind until he was yours; until his mind was your possession. It still wasn't enough. Reaching in, you smeared Karkat's fear that you didn't need him, till it was a good and dark bruise against his mind. You sat in the coon for a small while more and gazed at your precious pet, watched him curl in on himself. He grabbed onto you even tighter, and you luxuriated in his desperation. Then you forced yourself to go to sleep- you let Karkat dream, allowing the chuckle tree to do it’s work.

You wake up the next night with Karkat still clutching you. Trying to get out without disturbing him proves difficult, he’s so close to you that he blinks awake as soon as you move. He immediately jumps out of the recuperacoon, green dollops of sopor dripping down his back and legs and onto the floor. He’s searching about the room in a very heated way. Trying to find his clothes maybe? No, you watch him pass by his own in favor of yours. Karkat rushes back to you in a flurry of clean fabric. You hesitantly take it finding his behavior kind of weird- not all unpleasant, just…not characteristic. Sitting at the side of your coon you wonder what is up with Karkat when what you did last night flashes into your think pan like jolt to metal.

Oh god. What the fuck came over you?

You promised you would try and help him. Hell, you told him you weren't causing his dreams! Which was sort of true at least when you said it. Why the fuck would you break your word when you could've fixed everything?

Karkat heads to the refrigerator and starts getting food out, whatever he can scrounge up at least. You’re not only in shock from your previous actions, but also the way Karkat is acting now, that all you can do is stare, watching him work. You haven't even put on clothes yet. Damn, you never knew he was good at motherfucking preparing food. He's so little and soft. You want to just go over there and hold him, touch him, beg for his forgiveness, and when was he right in fucking front of you?

He offers you a plate of He offers you a plate of steaming food, eggs and grubsauce- with little bits of meat strewn throughout. But before you can grab it his eyes widen and he sets the plate down, asking for the clothes back. You aren't sure why so you hand them to him before he starts to DRESS you and oh god what is he doing?! Every little touch is like a static kiss to your skin. Are you blushing? You think you may be blushing. Why are you blushing?

After he dresses you he offers you the food once more. You take it and sit down before beckoning him to follow. He obliges and stares at you with more desperation in his eyes than you saw after he killed that troll. This time though, there is no latching, in fact, he seems to be deliberately holding himself back from touching you. Why? You sometimes watch his hand reach toward you slightly before he pulls it back. It's absolutely pitiful. You take his hand and kiss it softly, telling him that he doesn't need to be afraid, you aren't going anywhere. Offering him food you force it into his hand when he seems reluctant to take it. You have to at least try and make it up to him. Both of you eat in silence ; you get him to take bites from your fork- that’s what pale mates do right? You’re taking care of him, making sure he eats. Once you are finished, Karkat takes the dish from you and cleans it.

Karkat is still in his boxers.

Maybe you should dress him. It's only fair since he dressed you. Yea, that's totally the motherfucking reason you want to dress him. However, your eyes fall onto the blood stain from the dead troll. Would it be possible...to get him to clean it? No, you shouldn't be encouraging this. You don't want Karkat to be your slave. But then... he was the one who killed the troll, so shouldn't he clean up his own mess? A brother’s gotta be responsible for his own actions, Karkat taught you that- it’s only fair he take his own advice. And no reason for Karkat to get dressed yet if he's going to clean up, he'll just get his clothes even more dirty. You just about to say something when Karkat follows your eyes, grabs a sponge from the sink, and then starts to clean off the blood. His brow furrows in concentration and frustration as he cleans. It's quite a cute sight to behold.

You sit and watch Karkat clean the entire time. He scrubs hard and starts muttering at how the stupid blood won't come off and “why the fuck did he wait on cleaning this?” A small bit of perspiration forms on his brow, and he is getting tiny bits of purple from the troll’s blood on his skin. Coupled with the dull bits of dry sopor cracked across his skin- your brother starts looking like some kind of canvas, grey and green and violet. Shit’s beautiful.

You watch his hands turn an increasingly vibrant shade of purple, but Karkat doesn't seem to notice the blood till he has quite a bit on his face. He finishes up cleaning and washes his hands and face off before facing you again. You with a chuckle, and him a with a faint smile curling at the tips.

The purple streaks across his face gave you the best motherfucking idea. But first, you decide to thank him by getting his clothes and dressing him. Karkat puts up no resistance, trying to do everything he can to make it easier for you. Arms up, head through, leg down and move there; repeat. Your fingers brush his chest and legs- his skin is quite soft for a trolls. Once Karkat is fully dressed, he looks around keenly- seemingly trying to find another thing to do- but you take his chin lightly and make his eyes look into your own. There is a small hope there you seem to have lit under the usual desperation and need, along with a good amount of determination. There's a fire there, and a want- to do things for you? To make you happy? Or something else, you don’t know. But you smile and let go of his chin.

“I have the most wicked idea for you brother. Wait right motherfucking there.”

Coming back with your face paint, Karkat's eyes widen. He doesn’t look too enthusiastic about it, but he willingly comes over to the mirror when you beckon him, and shows no signs of disgust or anger even. He stands perfectly still as you cover his face in white, painting teardrops of black over his eyes, charcoal slants on his cheeks, and a big black frown. As Karkat blankly stares back, you realize it looks like Karkat is motherfucking crying, and you can't have that. Black eyebrows are emphasized into a scowl, and the slanted lines become the streaks they put on ancient warriors, then for fun you add 5 vertical lines across the middle of the frown, making it seem like Karkat's frown is sown shut. You chuckle, telling him that you went a little overboard. It takes Karkat a bit to respond- he looks down and stares through the ground, processing what exactly just happened before looking up and giving a small smile.

“Thank you.”

The fire in his eye is even brighter than before. It's such an amazing motherfucking fire, lighting up his eyes and making his entire body glow. His hope, his want, is beautiful. He is beautiful. He comes in for a hug; making sure to keep his face off your shirt so the paint stays, and holds you tightly- like you are the only thing that matters, you are the light in his eyes, his fire, he needs you, he wants you and you reach your arms around him, enclosing him in a tight embrace, holding him in balance, protecting that small frail body from the rest of the world. He is yours and he is beautiful and without warning you find yourself pushing him back just enough so you can reach down and kiss him- to drink that lovely fire, to drown in it, to feel your best friend blaze.

But Karkat's lips stay closed.

He doesn't kiss back.

He accepts it sure, and blinks back surprise, but he doesn't want it.

He doesn't want you like that.

He doesn't need you in THAT way.

The kiss turns to ash. You hold onto the hug for just a little bit longer before slowly letting go. Karkat picks up on your distress and goes back to looking for something to do. He'll do anything for you, be anything for you, but not feel anything for you. Not in the flushed way, not that throbbing, pulsing red. You've made him need, you've made him scared, but you haven't made him desire. You don't even know if you can do that. For the rest of the night Karkat continues to find little things to do for you, becoming more and more frantic in his actions as he realizes that your mood isn't improving. It’s getting worse. The fire is gone, stomped out, and only shivering cold coals remain. Or maybe that's just you. Watching Karkat do thing after thing for you, trying to appease you in any way he can, you plot and plan how you could possibly get him to want you, to be flushed for you, to crave you. What fear could possibly do it? Or combination of fears?

By the end of the night you know exactly what you are going to try. As Karkat starts to leave, softly shaking and refusing to make eye contact with you out of fear, you take his hand, kissing it once more and ask him if he would feel better sleeping here again. Karkat looks up at you and the small spark is back, a tiny bit of hope hidden behind the cloud of despair. He takes off his clothes, blushing slightly as you watch, and then he’s undressing you. You smile softly at his care, the will to please, and the spark grows a bit brighter. You can’t motherfucking wait to see this flame become an inferno after today. As you both get in the recuperacoon and he pleads:

“I did the best I could, is it enough? No more of the dreams, you don't have to do it anymore, if it's not enough just tell me, I can change! Just please…no more dreams. No more daymares.”

You almost tell him right there how much you want him to be flushed for you, to desire you, but no. You don't want it to be fake, something he does because he thinks he'll lose you. You pity him- you don't know what his dreams will be tonight, but you hope if it goes as planned, they'll be much more tolerable than his previous ones. Or at least end with a better result. You shush him and pet him softly, soothing him into sleep, though he shakes up until he loses consciousness. You can't bring yourself to lie to his face.

The first thing you do when Karkat falls asleep is focus and feel the fears of Karkat's body, his instinct. The body itself has certain fears you find- the fear that there won't be food, there won't be blood, the fear of pain, and of death. You feel around until you find what you’re looking for- the fear that the body won't be satisfied sexually. Perfect. You make it much more potent and you can feel Karkat softly squirm beside you.  
Seems like it’s working.

Next you find the part of him that yearns, the one that makes him watch romcoms and dream about matesprits- the terror that he won't find love. You tie it to the fear that the imperial drone might come knocking any day now, pails in hand, culling arm ready. You push it deep in Karkat’s mind and let it meld with his others thoughts so it will be a part of every thought. You add another bruise across his mind- that he’s not noticing your good qualities. Karkat begins shivering again, shuddering against your side and you kiss his cheek softly, murmuring that you’re sorry and that you wish there was an easier way. You just want him to love you, for real.

Finally, you find yourself at a long branch- stark and bony in his soul. It’s the fear that he'll be alone without you. This, this you curl around each and every fear you touched, tying them all together in snarl of sailor knots. He has to desire you now; his mind will give him no other choice. You just hope that you did the right amount of planting and snipping- you wouldn't want to do this all motherfucking over again.

But just as you were getting to sleep, you had another miraculous idea. Sure, desiring you was great, but you knew you could do better. Karkat could do better. Reaching in one last time you grabbed him, took hold of his fright. Afraid that he's not doing the right things for you, scared that he didn't know what was best; you embedded the idea that Karkat was being too dominant, too forceful. All this you added and darkened- increasing it to near oozing sickness. You were sure these, along with Karkat's new desires would create the best outcome possible.

You couldn’t wait to see the results.

The next evening you wake to Karkat snuggling against your side- nuzzling into you, purring loudly. And if that wasn’t one of the best wake ups ever, you didn’t know what was. Could it be? Did it really motherfucking work? You nudge Karkat slightly and he looks up at you with a small smile before pulling back. Maybe… maybe it didn’t work? You can’t really tell what is happening in Karkat’s mind, only that you’ve caused some change. Was his clutching just his need and desperation as always? Why did he pull back? He’s still sitting there, big eyed and waiting for you to do something. He is still delicately smiling, his eyes shining and bright. There’s still that layer of needing to please in his eyes, but it’s covered by a warm glow….could it be want? Could it be desire? Only one way to check, a brother’s got to what comes natural to him.

You pull him back towards you softly, and he puts up no resistance as you tilt his face up and press your lips to his. Immediately he kisses back, his kiss full of longing and desire but it’s held back and submissive to your dominance. He doesn’t try to deepen the kiss but he has put his entire being into what he’s giving, melting at your every indulgence. He wants you, he desires you, and this is all you ever wanted. You want him. He opens his mouth, inviting you in, and you press your tongue into the oral embrace, licking at him and savoring every small moment, every swipe of his tongue and little moan he makes from your lip lock.

Finally you pull back, sighing softly and contented. Karkat’s smile is even brighter than his eyes. You gaze at him covered in the slime- and isn’t that a sight, of the recuperacoon for a bit before stepping out, offering a hand to Karkat to help him out. He readily accepts, grasping onto your hand securely as he pulls himself out. Strange, you think, before he was all frantic to do shit for you, but now he’s just waiting…

_Waiting for you to use him of course. That’s what you wanted, you wanted to possess him, wanted him to be yours, wanted his mind to have no thoughts but the ones you decided._

No, that’s not what you wanted; you wanted him to want you, to be flushed for you, that’s all you wanted.

_You wanted him to need you. And now he really does need you- mind, body, and soul. He needs you to think for him, needs you to be his Master; his God. He needs you to be his everything, and he needs nothing else. He’ll die without you._

Well, maybe you did want him to need you…but not like that, not in this way.

_Of course you did. You want power. You want control. You can pretend you had Karkat’s good in mind the entire time but you know that’s false. You’ve only been thinking about yourself, and now that’s all Karkat will think of too. You not only have his desire, you have his everything. You have him down to his very core. And you can do anything with it. He is your pet now, your toy. He is branded with you; enjoy it, it’s what you wanted. It’s what you need. You need someone to need you, you need someone to want you, you need control, you need power, and now you have it. Use it._

…

You gaze at Karkat for some time; he’s staring at you hopefully, wanting, needing, blissful, amazing. He is everything you want. He is beautiful and he is yours, completely and utterly yours.

And you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Karkat. Pet, come here- I have something for you to do.” Beckoning him towards you with a sharp smile made of shattered glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, that one took a long time to get out didn't it? 
> 
> Got an awesome new editor/ co-writer too! She helps me get more description out, and I help her back away from the purple prose a bit. 
> 
> On that note, by next Chapter, I'm going to have revised/edited the first three chapters to be more descriptive as practice. So when the enxt chapter is released, you might want to read from the beginning!


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